Have you ever gotten in really good shape? Thought, I may as well find a marathon so I can justify this amount of running as training? Now imagine being at that level, and then imagine yourself slipping. I mean about 3 months of zero to little physical activity. At Thanksgiving, my family runs in a 5k turkey trot. Well, this past time I was not ready. If you're wondering how did I know I had hit rock bottom, as far as my physical fitness is concerned, I am about to let you know. Maybe it was when my legs felt like they had already been stretched thin around mile .5. You know, if I actually had to pinpoint that moment when I realized I had fallen off of my fitness precipice, it would be somewhere in the middle of the race. There was this tweenage girl running nearby, more in front than nearby really, and I noticed that she kept fiddling with her ipod. But wait, she didn't have any earphones. Oh, she was reading and sending text messages the entire time, and still in front of me.

A while back I was at a video store with a friend. While waiting in line to rent a movie, a stranger decided that we looked like the type of people who would really appreciate his next comment. At this point I have to describe a poster that was hanging on the wall of the store. It was a poster advertising unlimited rentals of video games. One of the characters that was depicted was a female character from a Guitar Hero-esque game. She had pale skin, short hair, a spiked collar, a tattered cutoff shirt, a guitar, and giant pointy boobs. The man standing behind us in line (referring to the poster) says, "That's one vicious looking bitch with a wicked rack." My friend just walks away leaving me with this overly tanned man who is the proud owner of a Mighty Mouse tattoo on his neck. Did I mention the mental institution issued garb he was wearing of mystery-stain spotted sweatpants and moth-eaten white t-shirt? What about me says, "Yes, I love animated porn, nothing gets me more excited than the thought of watching Sailor Moon doing inappropriate things with inanimate objects."? I will change whatever I do that says that. I had no idea what to say to him. Part of me wanted to encourage him to tell me what he would do to an avatar like that. But the majority of me just mumbled something like, "I guess so. Um.." and walked up to the register grateful that an additional employee had manned another station.

Alright, a new blog post. Here we go.

(Ladies, you may feel a little excluded by this post.)

Urinal Etiquette

-When approaching a line of urinals, do not approach an empty one directly next to an occupied one unless there is no other option. I think it is creepy to be peeing and then have someone slide in right next to you when they could have just as easily used a urinal down the line.

*This principle also can be applied to movie seats, especially when you are on a man date. I never know if the person/people I am going to a movie with know this rule, and I don't want to insult them by leaving a seat in between us. So after one semi-awkward experience, A Serious Man was worth it though, I had a conversation with this friend the next time we went to a movie.

-While using a urinal, do not try to make eye contact with any person on either side. Look straight at the wall ahead, maybe glancing directly downward a couple of times just to check on the progression of things. Do not try to start a conversation please.

For example, I was at the airport a couple of weeks ago and somebody approached the urinals. If the air hadn't been choked with methane courtesy of the guy with explosive diarrhea in the stall, I probably would have been able to smell the crazy emanating from this guy. He was dressed like a D&D player going to the prom. You know the type: red shirt, black suit, black tie, hat with red plumage, awkward facial hair (like crops trying to grow out of earth that has been salted), and greasy hair with a pony tail to boot. Anyways, this mouth breather walks up to an empty urinal directly next to me, and decides that now is as good of a time as any to try and make new friends. He caught me at my most vulnerable state, and I was forced to stay there a little while longer than I would have liked. If I hadn't been too busy pretending to not hear him talking to me and looking in the opposite direction, I would have encouraged him to stick with World of Warcraft chat rooms, dating on Second Life, and inflatable girlfriends. I had to get out of there. I hurried up and got out of there before him and hid in the bookstore in case my new best friend wanted to talk while we waited for our flight.

That same trip I saw a GIGANTIC man getting ready to get on the plane. "Oh shit, I am going to have to sit next to him, and I don't know how this is physically possible." After that initial panic attack, I twinged with a little jealousy. Have you noticed that fat people have naturally occurring neck pillows?