Sunday, June 20, 2010

In Provo, UT one is able to elicit a response simply by using certain four-letter words. In San Francisco, CA, no one gives a shit. What am I supposed to do in order to shock people? I have learned the answer is overt racism, and then accusing others of anti-semitism. Visiting Provo again, I forgot that a simple dirty word does the trick and accidentally let slip some racially charged remark. I thought heads were going to explode. While in an apartment tonight somebody said, "You know what no one is talking about?..." Which I kind of already have a problem with. That isn't a question, and there is likely no chance that I know what no one is talking about because no one is talking about it. If I did know, then the subject would indeed be a not uncommon topic of conversation. So I respond out of turn blurting out, "Interracial marriage." There were several brown people in attendance and everyone goes quiet and stares at me. "What? They aren't. Not even Tyra." Only one person laughed. Whoops.
There use to be a saying, "I'm Swayze," in reference to his role in Ghost. In other words, "I'm out of here." Now that he is dead, am I still allowed to say this? Can I request being Swayze post-Dirty Dancing pre-Roadhouse? I want to be frosted-tips mulleted glory days Swayze. I want to be Swayze without the pancreatic cancer. Too soon?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I am back in the states! Yesterday I was at the bank using the ATM. A woman came out of the building and tells the guard, "Every time that door opens it smells like something is burning." First, it must be said that you need to imagine the voice of a stereotypical aged meddling white woman, slightly warbling and nasaly. Does she think that she is doing the security guard a favor by giving him a heads up? Does she think that her nose has caught a fire while their fire alarms ignore the blaze? So I turn, and mustering all of the fake concern I can manage, I say, "Are you sure you aren't having a stroke?" Her jaw has dropped. "Early detection can make a world of difference." I did manage to keep a straight face, which even I am surprised about. Instead of slapping me, or even talking to me, she storms off to her town car.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Alright. My first post from China. I have been in Hong Kong for over a week and I have a few things to comment on. 
I postulate that the official disease of the Chinese be changed from SARS or Avian Flu or even poor driving ability due to limited vision to BCS. No, not Bowl Championship Series (?), but Bumper Car Syndrome. Walking on a Chinese street could be an Olympic event. Almost every time I go to pass somebody they veer in the direction I have just started. If I don't stop and change directions, they will hit me and then look at me as if I am the White Devil. No old lady, you need a new left hip, that is why you keep walking right. People passing a sobriety test would be like David Hasselhoff trying to eat a cheeseburger or being anything other than a joke, hopeless.
Hello Kitty is not cute when worn by anyone over the age of 5.
What is it about Europeans that is so easy to spot? Is it the unibrow? The capris? The large pointy nose? I would say that Americans are easy to spot because of their ample figures, but I have mistaken Australians for Americans.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

It was approximately 2 years ago while I was staying in Mesa, AZ. I was at dinner with my sister, and I noticed something odd about the host. He was pear-shaped. Up until this point, I had never really noticed a man this shape. I couldn't stop staring to the point where it was creepy. That isn't supposed to happen. He could have filled out a pair of Apple-Bottom Jeans. The other night I saw the movie The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. On my way out of the theater I saw another pear-shaped man wearing mom jeans. What else could I do, except take a picture? Sorry it is so blurry, but I was on the move and had to be sly.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Walking around the Mission district in San Francisco, I get angry. Isn't this city supposed to be expensive to live in? How on Earth do these people survive here? By the looks, most belong in East Oakland. Do they actually commute to loiter? Do they have to buy a monthly Muni pass so that they can stand on a street corner and tweak?

Friday, March 5, 2010

5 Hour Energy drink has a commercial that focuses on the gastronomic repercussions of drinking a fizzy energy drink, belching. Is this true? Will belching make me turn into a chubby balding bespectacled loser who can't even get his shirt buttoned properly? If so, than I shall avoid those damn fizzy energy drinks thank you very much. My favorite part of the commercial is the fine print. This product claims that it won't lead to a crash. The subtitles say something like, "There will be no sugar crash." And then it says something about driving and being cautious. I like to imagine that the same person who thinks, "Who needs to drive safely when all I have to do is drink this little bottle of energy drink to avoid crashing?" Ridiculous. The fact that they had to specify this in fine print makes me want to junk punch someone. Maybe the lady who spilled the coffee on her lap just to see if there was any sort of weird damage.