Alright, a new blog post. Here we go.

(Ladies, you may feel a little excluded by this post.)

Urinal Etiquette

-When approaching a line of urinals, do not approach an empty one directly next to an occupied one unless there is no other option. I think it is creepy to be peeing and then have someone slide in right next to you when they could have just as easily used a urinal down the line.

*This principle also can be applied to movie seats, especially when you are on a man date. I never know if the person/people I am going to a movie with know this rule, and I don't want to insult them by leaving a seat in between us. So after one semi-awkward experience, A Serious Man was worth it though, I had a conversation with this friend the next time we went to a movie.

-While using a urinal, do not try to make eye contact with any person on either side. Look straight at the wall ahead, maybe glancing directly downward a couple of times just to check on the progression of things. Do not try to start a conversation please.

For example, I was at the airport a couple of weeks ago and somebody approached the urinals. If the air hadn't been choked with methane courtesy of the guy with explosive diarrhea in the stall, I probably would have been able to smell the crazy emanating from this guy. He was dressed like a D&D player going to the prom. You know the type: red shirt, black suit, black tie, hat with red plumage, awkward facial hair (like crops trying to grow out of earth that has been salted), and greasy hair with a pony tail to boot. Anyways, this mouth breather walks up to an empty urinal directly next to me, and decides that now is as good of a time as any to try and make new friends. He caught me at my most vulnerable state, and I was forced to stay there a little while longer than I would have liked. If I hadn't been too busy pretending to not hear him talking to me and looking in the opposite direction, I would have encouraged him to stick with World of Warcraft chat rooms, dating on Second Life, and inflatable girlfriends. I had to get out of there. I hurried up and got out of there before him and hid in the bookstore in case my new best friend wanted to talk while we waited for our flight.

That same trip I saw a GIGANTIC man getting ready to get on the plane. "Oh shit, I am going to have to sit next to him, and I don't know how this is physically possible." After that initial panic attack, I twinged with a little jealousy. Have you noticed that fat people have naturally occurring neck pillows?