Tuesday and Wednesday

I forgot to do one Tuesday, so I will do two from Wednesday. Both are politically incorrect. Be forewarned.

The mailman at work has something weird going on with his face. Thanks to this season of America's Next Top Model, I think I can diagnose his condition as ptosis. And, his eye that is affected is either lazy or glass. In other words, I can't stop staring at this one part of his face whenever he talks to me. The shop has been open for about 3 weeks now, and until yesterday we hadn't checked the mail. Five times, five times the mailman has come in to, at first politely and then more and more rudely, to check the mail. I am usually the only one in the shop. I didn't even know if we had a key. By the time I could go talk to the office to get a key, the office would have been closed. In other words, there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. So the man who looks as if he worships Joan Rivers but is having the work done in installments can continue to throw me icy glares, can I use the plural if one eye is fake. Maybe the finish of that last sentence should read; can continue to throw me icy half-glares. But really, I want to junk punch him.

The second one: An elderly couple came shuffling in yesterday. The woman couldn't walk by herself and needed the support of her husband. To me it seemed as though she had suffered a stroke. Let me announce that stroke has claimed some people I hold close to my heart, both my grandfather and a neighbor woman who (whom?) I love just as much. I would not intentionally make fun of a stroke victim. Back to the story. This couple decides to whisper everything to me, and the woman slurs as well. Since they are standing behind the sneeze guard, I have a really hard time understanding what they are saying. Every time I ask them to repeat themselves, they stare at me blankly and don't repeat themselves. I just start giving them random samples of ice cream until they decide on a flavor. When they announce what they want, I don't understand them. I say, "Excuse me, but I can't quite understand what you wanted." The couple looked angry at me. They seemed to think that I was making fun of her stroked-out situation. But I wasn't! I do want to junk punch them, but I am afraid of a. having to be near private parts that are that old, and b. they might turn to dust.