In Provo, UT one is able to elicit a response simply by using certain four-letter words. In San Francisco, CA, no one gives a shit. What am I supposed to do in order to shock people? I have learned the answer is overt racism, and then accusing others of anti-semitism. Visiting Provo again, I forgot that a simple dirty word does the trick and accidentally let slip some racially charged remark. I thought heads were going to explode. While in an apartment tonight somebody said, "You know what no one is talking about?..." Which I kind of already have a problem with. That isn't a question, and there is likely no chance that I know what no one is talking about because no one is talking about it. If I did know, then the subject would indeed be a not uncommon topic of conversation. So I respond out of turn blurting out, "Interracial marriage." There were several brown people in attendance and everyone goes quiet and stares at me. "What? They aren't. Not even Tyra." Only one person laughed. Whoops.

There use to be a saying, "I'm Swayze," in reference to his role in Ghost. In other words, "I'm out of here." Now that he is dead, am I still allowed to say this? Can I request being Swayze post-Dirty Dancing pre-Roadhouse? I want to be frosted-tips mulleted glory days Swayze. I want to be Swayze without the pancreatic cancer. Too soon?

I am back in the states! Yesterday I was at the bank using the ATM. A woman came out of the building and tells the guard, "Every time that door opens it smells like something is burning." First, it must be said that you need to imagine the voice of a stereotypical aged meddling white woman, slightly warbling and nasaly. Does she think that she is doing the security guard a favor by giving him a heads up? Does she think that her nose has caught a fire while their fire alarms ignore the blaze? So I turn, and mustering all of the fake concern I can manage, I say, "Are you sure you aren't having a stroke?" Her jaw has dropped. "Early detection can make a world of difference." I did manage to keep a straight face, which even I am surprised about. Instead of slapping me, or even talking to me, she storms off to her town car.

Alright. My first post from China. I have been in Hong Kong for over a week and I have a few things to comment on. 

I postulate that the official disease of the Chinese be changed from SARS or Avian Flu or even poor driving ability due to limited vision to BCS. No, not Bowl Championship Series (?), but Bumper Car Syndrome. Walking on a Chinese street could be an Olympic event. Almost every time I go to pass somebody they veer in the direction I have just started. If I don't stop and change directions, they will hit me and then look at me as if I am the White Devil. No old lady, you need a new left hip, that is why you keep walking right. People passing a sobriety test would be like David Hasselhoff trying to eat a cheeseburger or being anything other than a joke, hopeless.

Hello Kitty is not cute when worn by anyone over the age of 5.

What is it about Europeans that is so easy to spot? Is it the unibrow? The capris? The large pointy nose? I would say that Americans are easy to spot because of their ample figures, but I have mistaken Australians for Americans.

It was approximately 2 years ago while I was staying in Mesa, AZ. I was at dinner with my sister, and I noticed something odd about the host. He was pear-shaped. Up until this point, I had never really noticed a man this shape. I couldn't stop staring to the point where it was creepy. That isn't supposed to happen. He could have filled out a pair of Apple-Bottom Jeans. The other night I saw the movie The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. On my way out of the theater I saw another pear-shaped man wearing mom jeans. What else could I do, except take a picture? Sorry it is so blurry, but I was on the move and had to be sly.

Walking around the Mission district in San Francisco, I get angry. Isn't this city supposed to be expensive to live in? How on Earth do these people survive here? By the looks, most belong in East Oakland. Do they actually commute to loiter? Do they have to buy a monthly Muni pass so that they can stand on a street corner and tweak?

5 Hour Energy drink has a commercial that focuses on the gastronomic repercussions of drinking a fizzy energy drink, belching. Is this true? Will belching make me turn into a chubby balding bespectacled loser who can't even get his shirt buttoned properly? If so, than I shall avoid those damn fizzy energy drinks thank you very much. My favorite part of the commercial is the fine print. This product claims that it won't lead to a crash. The subtitles say something like, "There will be no sugar crash." And then it says something about driving and being cautious. I like to imagine that the same person who thinks, "Who needs to drive safely when all I have to do is drink this little bottle of energy drink to avoid crashing?" Ridiculous. The fact that they had to specify this in fine print makes me want to junk punch someone. Maybe the lady who spilled the coffee on her lap just to see if there was any sort of weird damage.

I needed a double take the other day. There was a biker whose spandex top was too small and his muffin top was big enough to feed an Ethiopian village. I can just see this guy at his apartment, getting ready to get back in shape. "It's been a year, but they still fit," he says to himself as he does side bends. "I've still got it." How does this guy not notice/care that a quarter inch of crack and a couple of inches of back are spilling out of his garb? What else cracks me up about this guy is that he wouldn't just wear a normal t-shirt because it isn't aerodynamic. He has to be streamlined because a fraction of a second is going to matter to his lap time.

Also, I went to a concert last night. Here are a couple of observations: Holy crimped hair (not worn ironically). This one homely girl, who was belly-dancing up a storm btw, had hair down to her ass. Oh, I forgot to mention that she had taken the time to crimp all of it. HAHAHAHAHA! She has "It's Raining Men" blasting from her stereo as she dances around her bathroom caking on her make-up and crimping her hair, getting ready for a girls' night out. She is practicing her moves for later that night, "Would you do me? I'd do me. I'd do me so hard." (Silence of the Lambs reference)

There was this one gentleman wandering around the room the entire night. Maybe it was his slackened jaw, maybe it was his stuttering shuffle, or endless vapid gaze, but he must have done a lot of acid in the 60's because he looked perma-fried. Seriously, he looked liked he missed the cast party of Shutter Island to go to that concert. I didn't want to tell him, but the venue was a bar and everyone in the place was over 21, but I heard The Wiggles were in town, so you know, there was hope.

Documentaries are also a part of Noise Pop. I saw one that was awful. The director was there, and I just wanted to stand up in the middle of the movie and junk punch him, take his wallet, and walk out of the theater. Echotone. Worst movie I have seen in years. Worse than both Chun Li and Dragonball Z. And yes I did see both of those, thanks Ssdac. What made the movie so horribly awful is that fact that it could have been really interesting. The movie was supposed to be about the music scene in Austin, TX. Apparently, development of new condos have crept upon entertainment districts, and complaints from new residents were starting to get venues closed. This could have been fascinating, but it just wasn't told thoroughly. I actually heard someone say that the movie was, "Brilliant." Maybe if you had a frontal lobotomy. Or maybe I am just too mainstream.

Mix of the moment

I want to start publishing mixes that I have been listening to and encourage evryone else to post their own. Rules: Try to not have it extend past 1 hr 20 min. I think mine does, but do as I say not as I do dammit.

Walkabout (with Noah Lennox)- Atlas Sound

Beautiful Girls- Bayside

Open Happiness- Brendon Urie, Cee-Lo, Janelle Monae, Patrick Stump & Travis McCoy

Ballad of Davy Craig and Prisoner 57970- Clint Miller

Here I Dreamt I was an Architect/Dreams- Colin Meloy

I Want You Back- Discovery

Your Retro Career Melted- The Faint

On My Lap- Fannypack

Keep Yourself Warm- Frightened Rabbit

I Feel Better- Hot Chip

Do the Pigeon- Pigeon John

I Thought I Saw Your Face Today- She & Him

Too Young to Burn- Sonny & The Sunsets

Dry Your Eyes- The Streets

Let's Think About Living- Teddy Thompson

Quiet Little Voices- We Were Promised jetpackes

O.N.E.- Yeasayer

Violins- Yellowcard

Gunslingers- You Am I

Must Be the Moon-!!!

Would you believe it? The BMW holding up both directions of traffic was being driven by an elderly Asian man. I couldn't have imagined that even being a possibility.

Have you ever gotten in really good shape? Thought, I may as well find a marathon so I can justify this amount of running as training? Now imagine being at that level, and then imagine yourself slipping. I mean about 3 months of zero to little physical activity. At Thanksgiving, my family runs in a 5k turkey trot. Well, this past time I was not ready. If you're wondering how did I know I had hit rock bottom, as far as my physical fitness is concerned, I am about to let you know. Maybe it was when my legs felt like they had already been stretched thin around mile .5. You know, if I actually had to pinpoint that moment when I realized I had fallen off of my fitness precipice, it would be somewhere in the middle of the race. There was this tweenage girl running nearby, more in front than nearby really, and I noticed that she kept fiddling with her ipod. But wait, she didn't have any earphones. Oh, she was reading and sending text messages the entire time, and still in front of me.

A while back I was at a video store with a friend. While waiting in line to rent a movie, a stranger decided that we looked like the type of people who would really appreciate his next comment. At this point I have to describe a poster that was hanging on the wall of the store. It was a poster advertising unlimited rentals of video games. One of the characters that was depicted was a female character from a Guitar Hero-esque game. She had pale skin, short hair, a spiked collar, a tattered cutoff shirt, a guitar, and giant pointy boobs. The man standing behind us in line (referring to the poster) says, "That's one vicious looking bitch with a wicked rack." My friend just walks away leaving me with this overly tanned man who is the proud owner of a Mighty Mouse tattoo on his neck. Did I mention the mental institution issued garb he was wearing of mystery-stain spotted sweatpants and moth-eaten white t-shirt? What about me says, "Yes, I love animated porn, nothing gets me more excited than the thought of watching Sailor Moon doing inappropriate things with inanimate objects."? I will change whatever I do that says that. I had no idea what to say to him. Part of me wanted to encourage him to tell me what he would do to an avatar like that. But the majority of me just mumbled something like, "I guess so. Um.." and walked up to the register grateful that an additional employee had manned another station.

Alright, a new blog post. Here we go.

(Ladies, you may feel a little excluded by this post.)

Urinal Etiquette

-When approaching a line of urinals, do not approach an empty one directly next to an occupied one unless there is no other option. I think it is creepy to be peeing and then have someone slide in right next to you when they could have just as easily used a urinal down the line.

*This principle also can be applied to movie seats, especially when you are on a man date. I never know if the person/people I am going to a movie with know this rule, and I don't want to insult them by leaving a seat in between us. So after one semi-awkward experience, A Serious Man was worth it though, I had a conversation with this friend the next time we went to a movie.

-While using a urinal, do not try to make eye contact with any person on either side. Look straight at the wall ahead, maybe glancing directly downward a couple of times just to check on the progression of things. Do not try to start a conversation please.

For example, I was at the airport a couple of weeks ago and somebody approached the urinals. If the air hadn't been choked with methane courtesy of the guy with explosive diarrhea in the stall, I probably would have been able to smell the crazy emanating from this guy. He was dressed like a D&D player going to the prom. You know the type: red shirt, black suit, black tie, hat with red plumage, awkward facial hair (like crops trying to grow out of earth that has been salted), and greasy hair with a pony tail to boot. Anyways, this mouth breather walks up to an empty urinal directly next to me, and decides that now is as good of a time as any to try and make new friends. He caught me at my most vulnerable state, and I was forced to stay there a little while longer than I would have liked. If I hadn't been too busy pretending to not hear him talking to me and looking in the opposite direction, I would have encouraged him to stick with World of Warcraft chat rooms, dating on Second Life, and inflatable girlfriends. I had to get out of there. I hurried up and got out of there before him and hid in the bookstore in case my new best friend wanted to talk while we waited for our flight.

That same trip I saw a GIGANTIC man getting ready to get on the plane. "Oh shit, I am going to have to sit next to him, and I don't know how this is physically possible." After that initial panic attack, I twinged with a little jealousy. Have you noticed that fat people have naturally occurring neck pillows?